Beaches and bikinis

I've been in a body image rut for a while now so it's time for a happy post.

This summer I spent a month on an island off the coast of Panama. While this is not that much out of the ordinary for me (I gravitate towards palm trees and warm water when money and time allow), the fact that I only wore bikinis and short shorts surely is. I didn't even pack a one-piece!

A little background to this accomplishment is warranted:
Even after I lost nearly 80 pounds, I was still lamenting the fact that I would probably never wear a bikini. It's not that I was unhappy with my body. I looked pretty damn good...in clothes. It was the bare stomach I had an issue with.

I'd always had a bit of a gut, even when I was younger. But now that my skin has been stretched out by years of obesity, it's even more pronounced to the point that it looks like a butt handing down from my stomach.

Now, I don't need a flat stomach to feel comfortable showing it at the beach. I know I will always have some padding there, which is completely normal. I just wish it didn't stick out at such sharp angles to make it so pronounced.

Enter the high/mid-waisted bikini bottom. It's actually in style and "cute"! And a lifesaver for people like me.

I present to you, my first time ever wearing a bikini...at age 30. It's something I never thought would actually happen. Really. But it did, and it was awesome!

Lessons from gaining and losing vacation weight

Three weeks after returning from a gluttonous week with my family in Poland, I'm back down to my pre-vacation weight!

It was an incredibly frustrating time because even though I stuffed myself to the point of extreme discomfort several times, I didn't expect two weeks of vacation (and really only one week of gluttony) to cause that much damage weight-wise. When I got back, my pants no longer fit, I felt flabby, and I was generally grumpy about the state of my body. But in less than a month, I am back to where I started, and it feels awesome!

All in all, it was a big learning experience for me. The fantastic thing is that I know (and am willing to) lose weight when I have a brief relapse. This is even true when I am so mentally done with restricting my calories to ~1500 a day and feeling guilty for indulging in things. I can still go back to that mindset for as long as it takes me to lose those 1 or 2 or 5 pounds, because it's important to me.

Having that skill and will-power is amazing because I'm not so worried about regaining everything I've lost, which was the case for a while. I still haven't figured out the whole maintenance thing (see the next post), so my weight will continue to fluctuate. But as long as I know that I can buckle down when I need to, I'll be okay.

After-all, the fear of gaining back everything that I worked so hard to lose is more overpowering than the desire to eat an ice cream cone every day. That's motivation enough, at least for right now.

Now some wedding reception photos from my trip to Poland:

My cousin, the groom.

I caught the veil, so I won a bottle of vodka. Naturally.

A Polish wedding wouldn't be complete without a self-service kielbasa bar.

The appetizer spread. This does not depict the courses served every couple of hours.

This is why I gained so much weight while in Poland. Meals from 6:45 pm until 3 am.
It set the tone for the rest of my week there.

Pyrotechnics during wedding-cake cutting. The bride and groom look beautiful.

I'm on vacation, dammit!

I've been traipsing through Europe for the past week and have 10 more days left of this trip. It's been incredibly fun but also really stressful for me food-wise.

With the exception of last night when I had at least 8 beers and lots of delicious food (I'm not exaggerating on the booze...I'm feeling it today), I've been fairly good about sticking to my "diet". I generally eat when I'm hungry, limit snacking, and eat normal-sized portions. All in all, I've been rather successful. Not perfect, by any means, but good enough, which should be enough to put my mind at ease.

Even with watching what I eat, I'm still paranoid that I'm gaining weight and getting fat again, which is my biggest fear now that I've somewhat loosened my calorie restrictions to closer resemble maintenance. When I weighed myself before I left, I was consistently at 150 pounds, having gained 3 lbs when I should've lost a pound or two per my calculations. Clearly I'm doing something wrong and I can't figure out what it is. All of this is not helping my mind relax.

I want to enjoy this vacation instead of constantly worrying about what I'm eating and how it'll affect my weight. I just can't let go of the diet mindset and the fear of gaining it all back, as well as the confusion of trying to figure out maintenance. It's stressing me out! On my vacation!

So although yesterday's binge-fest caused me to gain 0.5 pound (for real), I'm going to forget that night ever happened and not try to make up for it by depriving myself for the rest of my time here. It'll be business as usual; nothing less, nothing more.

Part of this decision is due to the fact that I'm currently in Poland visiting my family, where the refrigerator is stocked with kielbasa, my favorite milk brand of all time, and pierogi. I would be very grumpy if I had to restrict myself during this part of my trip.

I've already been feeling like I'm depriving myself excessively, and have been bummed that it's going to be like this forever. I don't want that feeling to dominate the rest of my time in delicious Poland so I'm not going to stress about what goes in my body.

This does not mean that I'm going to disregard all of my current eating habits. If I want kielbasa, I will eat kielbasa. Same goes for milk, cake, chocolate, etc. However, I'm not going to eat or drink myself to the point of being uncomfortably full so there will be some moderation. And if something decadent isn't melt-in-my-mouth delicious, then I will set it down and not finish it. There's no need to eat out of obligation. The empty calories just aren't worth.

Since I always need a goal, I will work on limiting my grazing, eating only when I'm sitting down. That seems much more manageable than being under a particular calorie limit or abstaining from biscuits in Ireland or kielbasa in Poland. I will also ask myself if the thing I'm eating is worth it. Often the answer will be no. If it is worth eating, then I will enjoy it, slowly, and guilt-free.

When I get back to Colorado, I will hop right back onto the bandwagon and work to lose these vacation pounds, along with the five lbs I wanted to lose before I went abroad.

I just have to keep telling myself that gaining a pound or two on vacation is not the end of the world. In fact, it's just a week or two of dedicated eating when I get home. If only my mind could accept that, then I'd be golden.

Now onto some vacation pictures.

Exploring Dublin by Viking ship. I now know where Colin Farrell lives. Roar!

By Viking ship, I mean re-painted WWII amphibious tank.

The dry dock where Titanic was built. It's HUGE.

Classic Belfast craic. "She was just fine when she left us!"

Vacation weight

It hasn't been a good week for me self-esteem-wise. After spending a week in Mexico, I weighed myself today and have gained 6 pounds since my last weigh-in two weeks ago. Some of this may still be water weight due to booze (I'm only four days from my last drink) and I may be getting my period soon so that may also be influencing my weigh-ins. But it's disheartening nonetheless.

In Mexico, I only drank alcohol on two occasions because I didn't want to consume too many empty calories. I was already eating too many chips and I really didn't need to add any more crap to my diet. I even went on two 3-mile runs because I was being too sedentary. So how the hell did I gain so much weight?!

I'm really hoping that most of this goes away because it's so disheartening to see such a big gain in such a short amount of time. It's like I can't let loose at all because all the weight will come back super quickly.

That thought is really scary because if I gain weight so easily, then maintenance will more resemble weight-loss than living a normal life, which is the opposite of what I was hoping for. I can't be so restrictive for the rest of my life.

I planned this weight-loss journey so it would be sustainable forever, but I was hoping that I'd be able to eat a bit more after I reached my goal weight. Like, increase my daily average from 1,500 to 1,800 calories. I'm not looking to binge eat here.

Sadly, that doesn't seem to be the case. Bummer.

On a happier note, here are a couple of pictures from vacation:

We went deep sea fishing in the rain. I really like how I look in this photo.

The view from our condo. It was glorious.

A bump in the road

Although I strive to lose 1.5 pounds per week on average, it doesn't always work out. In the last month, for example, I've lost absolutely no weight at all.

The last two weeks were spent on vacation and during that time I exercised very little and ate a lot. So I probably gained some weight. This is most likely because I spent nearly a week at a summer camp I used to work at and the meals and meal portions are very unpredictable there. So when they serve you something appetizing and you have the option to eat a larger portion, you go for it because you don't know when the next normal meal will be.

In the long run (over the course of an entire summer), this way of thinking works out because most meals are inadequate with regards to portion size. And by that I mean, we often get 1/2 of a scoop of mashed potatoes and half of a chicken breast, which is just not enough to hold me over for the day. But for some reason, I was able to get normal-sized portions during my time there and so I overate every single meal.

Prior to leaving on this vacation, I had been slacking with both exercise and food, and consequently I wasn't really losing any weight. I'm totally okay with this because I had been feeling burned out about the weight-loss plan for a while and needed a break from pushing myself. I also don't have a deadline by which I must lose all my weight, so pushing back the goal weight date isn't a big deal to me at all. It'll happen when it happens.

Since I got back on Monday, though, I've been more motivated to start losing weight again, which requires regular exercise and more strict food control than I've been doing lately. Mostly, I don't want to lose the muscle definition I've worked so hard to gain in the last few months, so I've got to get moving again.

I only have 35 more pounds to go! I have to keep repeating that with the exclamation point of excitement because that number seems so overwhelming and difficult. Even though I'm more than halfway there, 35 pounds is still a lot and the first 50 pounds were incredibly frustrating and difficult. So having to do more of that is scary.

Clearly I've found a method of weight-loss that works for me. I just have to stick with it and the weight will (hopefully) just fall off.

Wedding getaway

A week at home and a wedding weekend resulted in some awesome relaxation but possibly a little bit of weight gain. I just cannot resist the blue cheese that my mom keeps in the fridge!

But I had an awesome time and I'm totally okay with how I did food-wise that weekend. Here are some photos:

Wedding day SCUBA diving with the groom.

My bridesmaid walk.

The kiss.

I haven't been able to get an accurate weight since I've been back because I've been drinking beer frequently and alcohol just throws everything off. Although I should be abstaining more than I currently am, I've been limiting myself to two beers for every drinking occasion so I've still been hitting my calorie deficit goals each day.

Right now I'm going by the 3-days post drinking weigh-ins because somehow I can't seem to stay away from alcohol for more than that. My weight is slowly going down, just not as much as they should be, which makes me think that I really did gain a pound while away.

Oh well. It was really relaxing and that's exactly what I needed. And in the grand scheme of things, one pound is really not that bad.

Vacation dieting

I was on vacation the past two weeks and thus away from my routine. My plan for the trip was to:

1. avoid tracking my calories because it would drive me crazy, and
2. not gain any weight.

Instead, I was going to focus on eating normal-sized portions and limiting my alcohol intake to "special occasions". And by that I mean, not drinking heavily every day. I was on vacation after-all and vacation means boozing.

I got back Sunday night and the verdict is...I'm down 1 pound!

That's honestly shocking because I only exercised once last week, drank a BUNCH of margaritas, ate double portions of fish tacos, and spent the rest of the time sitting under a palapa on the beach. So I didn't move much and consumed a lot, which is not conducive to not gaining weight.

Granted, the first week of vacation was very exercise-heavy (2 hill runs and a 3-mile run in California, and then 12-miles of running during Tough Mudder in Vegas) so maybe that evened things out a bit. But I'm still kind of shocked by the loss.

The Roommie and I next to my second favorite palapa, a day after finishing Tough Mudder in Las Vegas

When I weighed myself out of curiosity on Sunday night after getting home, I was up to 201.0 lbs, which is 7 pounds more than my weight when I left. I was really bummed about that because that's an insane amount of poundage to gain in 14 days. And I didn't think I had strayed from my plan all that much. All the anxiety I've been having about not being able to maintain a normal calorie intake to stay at a lower weight came roaring back. It was disconcerting.

Monday morning had me at ~196 and today I weighed in at 193.5 lbs. I discounted Monday's weigh-in because I was only three days removed from drinking (my weight is all over the place within three days of alcohol) so the "official" post-vacation weight remains at 193.5 lbs.

We'll see if this downward trend continues once I weigh-in tomorrow but regardless of what the scale shows, I'm really proud of myself for eating normally enough while on vacation without feeling deprived at all. Actually, I could've had a few more beers on the beach but I stayed away because a) I was getting sick and didn't need to impede my immune system's work by consuming alcohol, and b) I get super dehydrated after even one drink these days (I'm getting old) and didn't want to spend my vacation hungover on top of already being sick.

In short, it appears that living a life without needing to calorie count all the time is totally doable for me. There are still things I need to tweak and learn about my body before I can go into legitimate maintenance mode (and lose about 50 more pounds) but it's reassuring to know that I can count on myself to know when to stop eating.

Vacation weight-loss, or lack thereof

I just got back from a week in Mexico and it was an amazing seven days of gluttony and sloth.

I knew that trying to count calories would be impossible when I wasn't the one preparing most of my meals. Also, I didn't want to stress or worry or even have to think about approximating things. I knew my calorie intake would not be pretty so I went with the head-in-the-sand technique of ignoring weight-loss altogether that week, and it worked out well for my mental health.

Instead of worrying about everything I put in my mouth, I made a concerted effort to drink less beer and eat fewer chips. I didn't completely abstain from either of those things but I only had them when I REALLY wanted them. So in a sense, I did eat less than I normally would, which is the bare bones goal I've set for myself for the rest of this calendar year.

I haven't weighed myself yet so I don't know the real damage done, because I'm waiting for the alcohol water weight to fully wear off. But whatever it ends up being, it was totally worth it (seriously). I needed that week to relax and worrying about my weight was not the way to do it.

Now it's back to the real world, complete with work meetings, calorie counting, and adapting my workouts to the weather.

By the way, the lawn chair on the left in the shade of the palapa is where I spent most of the last seven days:

To Belize or not to Belize...and oatmeal

Honestly, I don't know what to do. About a month ago, I posted about being excited about going to Belize for a month in May and June, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I am. Above is a photo of the orphanage at which I may (possibly) be staying. It's pretty cool and warm and pretty, and especially more appealing now that there's snow on the ground over here. The other option is to head to Poland to visit family and go on a sailing trip, assuming my friends aren't getting married/otherwise occupied like last year. It's way more expensive but I think I'd enjoy it slightly more. I'm also kind of bummed that this much-needed long vacation will interfere with my tri schedule for the summer. So I need to take that into account. May is the perfect time to get out of Boulder, but it's also the prime tri training month. And I'm most definitely not taking my bike to Belize, or on a boat. That's just stupid.

In other news, the 7:03 morning run on Tuesday turned into the 7:45 morning run on Tuesday (that's how long it took me to get out of bed...yup, 45 minutes). But once we got outside it was so beautiful: The birds were chirping, the leaves were falling, and the sun was peaking out from behind the clouds. Absolutely beautiful and peaceful. The run itself was pretty hard even though it was just 2 minutes of running at a time. My legs felt heavy, but I didn't feel the urge to quit and ran everything without even thinking of stopping. So I'm getting back to my original excitement of C210K. Woohoo!

And I'm really glad we went before work, because within a half hour of us getting back, the skies had turned gray and it had begun to rain and sleet. And that continued all day, with the rain eventually turning into hail and then snow. Wow, great timing!

When we got done with the run, I had an intense craving for oatmeal, which never happens, and have been eating it for breakfast ever since (a whole three days). I think it's just the perfect food for this weather...comforting and filling.

I've been trying to find various takes on the classic oatmeal, since it's so bland just by itself. I always microwave it using milk and not water because I have an aversion to making anything on water, including hot chocolate...it becomes so watered down and tasteless. And oatmeal needs all the flavor it can get, so I also usually add a couple teaspoons of brown sugar to sweeten it up. So far I've had the following:

Banana and Brown Sugar
- Mix 1/2 cup oatmeal and 1 cup 2% milk and microwave for 3 minutes
- Add salt and brown sugar, to taste, and a small banana
- Nutrition info:
  Calories: 393
  Fat: 8 g
  Carbs: 74 g!
  Fiber: 6 g
  Protein: 9 g

- I should probably eat less of it and not use 2% milk, but with a goal of eating 1600 calories a day, this fits perfectly into my breakfast allotment of 400. I'm surprised the banana is so calorific and only contributes 2 g of fiber.
- Substitute water for milk and you cut out 122 calories (271 total). But I need my daily dairy otherwise my life is not complete.
- And 74 g of carbs?! Uh, oh. 

Cinnamon Apple (and Brown Sugar)
- Mix 1/2 cup oatmeal, 1 cup 2% milk, 1 tsp cinnamon, and 1 diced apple (preferably McIntosh) in a bowl
- Cover and microwave for ~5 minutes
- Add salt and brown sugar to taste
- Nutrition info:
  Calories: 399
  Fat: 8 g
  Carbs: 77 g
  Fiber: 12 g!
  Protein: 9 g

- Same calorie concerns as before. Could be 277 calories without the milk, but again, I need dairy. And I don't mind eating a hearty breakfast. It keeps me from snacking until lunch, so I save many calories in the long run.
- 1 tsp of cinnamon has 4 g of fiber!!! I've been working on increasing my fiber intake lately (I don't eat nearly enough) so this is a HUGE selling point for the cinnamon apple oatmeal. And it's so freaking delicious.
- Again, so many carbs! Apparently an apple has 21 g of carbs, which is way too much, and the oats have 27 g.
- I'd been eating 3/4 cup of oats with 1.5 cups of 2% milk, which gave the whole meal 536 calories and 97 carbs, but I figured that's just too much. I was full for about 4 hours after eating so I took that as a sign that my breakfast was just way too big. So I'm going to try this 1/2 cup of oats thing in the morning and see how it goes.

Belize on the government's dime?

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I've been seriously considering going somewhere tropical for a month next spring or summer. I'm getting the travel bug again and going home for the holidays is just not cutting it anymore. My method of travel usually involves "moving" to a new country for a significant period of time and living with a culture instead of just going around and sightseeing. I hate sightseeing and I generally suck at it. That's where Belize comes into play.

I've exhausted Europe and have no desire to go to Asia. Canada's too similar to the U.S. and Mexico's in my backyard. So that leaves Central and South America, as well as Africa. I would absolutely LOVE to go to Africa and work on animal refuge or something like that but it's so far away and so expensive. Belize, on the other hand, is just down the Yucatan Peninsula from Mexico and its official language is English, meaning the transition to "living" there won't be nearly as tough as it was in Italy. AND (drumroll please...) it's got the second largest reef in the world, right after the Great Barrier Reef in Australia. That means a water-based culture, lots of SCUBA diving, and the possibility of volunteering at a reef conservancy, which would put me on a boat or in the water every single day. Just the way I like it.

I talk about volunteering because I think that's the best and easiest way to get thrown into a culture when you're only there for about a month or so. It puts you right into the inner workings of an organization and, most importantly for me, you're pretty much given people to hang out with/talk to so you're not completely alone when you first arrive. That, and it gives me something to do while I'm there. And lastly (like the title suggests), you can write off all expenses (flights, visa fees, etc) from your taxes if you put in enough hours. So essentially a free trip.

So far I've decided on two different kinds of volunteer groups: a home for abused and neglected children on the outskirts of Belize City and a reef conservation group on one of the beautiful cayes off the coast of Belize. They are two very different experiences and so I don't know which one to actually pursue. The kid's home requires 40 hours a week but gives food and housing (also has a "strict no alcohol policy" which sounds like no alcohol on the premises but maybe can go out once a week...kind of like camp) while I don't know about the reef conservation group since I haven't even contacted them yet. From what I can gather, I'd be on my own for food and housing but I could also do whatever I want during my free time. For the kids, I'd be more inland, as in, not directly on the beach, and for the reef, I'd be surrounded by water. Decisions, decisions...

I'm going to look into more reef/marine animal conservation NGOs and email them about volunteer positions to see what's out there. I'm leaning towards the kids though, because it'd be great volunteer experience for a potential med school app and I'd be able to follow a pediatrician around in a somewhat family practice environment (in that it's not emergency medicine, but rather everyday coughs and colds). And right now, my future is somewhat more important than hanging on a beach. But at the same time, the whole point of heading to Belize is to be in a beach-like culture and be in or on the water as much as possible. Assuming I have weekends off, I can still do that even working 40 hours/week. So for now, it looks like I'm going to the orphanage.

As for the weight-loss thing...I've been getting better about not eating out and eating more healthy. I still haven't made a food schedule, but I'm getting there. My parents are in town this weekend, so I'm pretty sure I won't be cooking much at home (hopefully my mom will because she's awesome like that) so I haven't been grocery shopping at all. I'm saving that for when they leave.

I know I keep putting off food shopping cooking and all that jazz. It's so easy to blame my laziness on other things going on in my life and making excuses because school's kicking my butt or I have a huge project due at work. But, if this is so important to me, then I should be able to make time for it. I mean, I make time for going to the movies or playing a soccer game, so I should have a couple hours to spare for my health!

So I need to give myself a routine and all will be well. So far I've incorporated my homework into a weekly schedule so I know exactly what to do when. Now the next step is adding grocery shopping into it (I've planned for Wednesdays). And after that, a specific workout schedule, like run on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, bike on Saturday and Sunday or something like that. I want to enjoy all aspects of my weekend and keep the unpleasant things for the week (such as work, school, and running), so I think that schedule looks pretty awesome. I'll probably move it around a bit, but for now that sounds good.


216.0
Been biking to and from school on Mondays and Wednesdays. Nothing today.