Another way of saying "When do I stop?"

Note: This post was published a couple of months after the two preceding it ("Brain catching up to the body" and "When do I stop?") even though it was written at the same time as the others. I had a mini crisis during that time when I was trying to figure out my end point. I thought I should publish this post as well, even if it is a bit redundant, because it does touch on some points the other posts don't.

For the past week I've been in the 140s (!!!), meaning I have less than 10 pounds to lose until I reach my original goal weight of 140 pounds. That's insane to me because I really don't think I'm anywhere close to my goal.

I still see myself as "big", not necessarily fat anymore but definitely not the fit person I imagined I'd be at this weight. I don't know why I thought I'd look "good" because 140 lbs is only 7 pounds within the "normal" BMI category, so I'm cutting it pretty close. Although I still have 9 pounds to go until I hit that goal, I don't think I'll be satisfied once I reach 140.

This became very evident to me when I watched the video from a recent rugby match I refereed. I looked so stocky in the shots:

I'm in the yellow.

I love how muscular my quads are, even though they're somewhat atrophied from their peak (damn fat season!), but they're still big and defined. Mostly, I wish I was taller so I wouldn't be so compact and my muscles would spread out over a longer frame. Alas, I can't change my height but I can still do something about my goal weight.

The Roommie keeps saying that I'm tiny, which is true when compared to the person I was 1.5 years and 75 pounds ago. I still don't see it which is why I'm convinced I need to keep losing weight. My brain has yet to catch up to my current size. Even though I see the thigh gap (my thighs don't really rub together anymore) and the size of my clothes, I still don't think I'm normal. So I want to keep going.

At the same time, I'm tired of "dieting", even though I always say I'm not on a diet. Most days, I carefully watch what I eat and even if I have a full day of rugby or do a long bike ride, I still feel guilty if I consume more than 1500 calories. That's not normal. I should be able to eat 2000+ calories on those days.

As a result, I've been looking forward to stopping with this madness in the very near future (9 weeks to be exact), but it looks like I'll have to keep going for a little while longer. Since I'm already in this weight-loss mindset, it'd be a shame to quit now instead of trying to see if I can reach a weight I'm happy with.

So when do I stop? What weight/size/body type is good for me?

Again, this goes back to The Roommie. She recently commented that she used to think that I had a large frame because of my size. But as I've shed all these pounds, it's becoming clear to her that my frame is actually much smaller. She also said that she doesn't think I'll be happy until I'm lean and toned, which the more I think about it, the more I agree with her.

So the new goal is probably going to be 125 - 130, which should give me a lean and fit body. At least that's the hope.

P.S. I just looked at the fat percentage of my legs and I'm at 22.5%, which puts me in the fitness category and gives me a lean mass of 113.5 pounds. In order to reach 125 lbs at the fitness category of fat % (I don't think I'll comfortably maintain "athlete" status), I would have to lose 13 pounds of lean mass, and more fat, of course. Even for a goal weight of 140 pounds, I'd have to lose a few pounds of lean mass.

So dropping from my high of 117 pounds of lean mass in November is simply not sustainable for the weight I want. Now I don't feel so bad about my leg muscles atrophying during fat season. Happy days!