Mad at my road bike

I've been doing a lot of miles on my road bike lately and it's gotten to the point where I'm just sick of it. I think it's because all of my rides have been hard, either physically or mentally. I either go really far, which pushes my endurance, or pressure myself to go fast, which hurts my legs and lungs. For some reason I can't just go on a pleasant road ride and enjoy the scenery.

The last straw was discovering that I'd gotten a slow-leaking flat and having to change the tire yet again. I took off the wheel one day, changed the flat another, and had my roommate pump it up the third day (I got really mad at the pump and almost threw it out). My bike is still sitting upside down in the hallway with its wheel leaning against it. So it's taken the better part of five days to fix a flat. I have no desire to even touch the damn thing.

But since I can't sit on my butt and expect to lose weight, I've found other activities I enjoy. For example, I think I'm starting to like hiking. That's really weird because I used to adamantly refuse to go with my friends. Lately, though, it's been really fun. The weather has been unbearably hot (I work from home and don't have A/C), so it's nice to get out in the hills to cool off a little bit.

One of the trails up the street from my house is a ridiculously hard climb that's more of a workout than a hike. I've been doing that at least once a week and the last time I really pushed myself to the point of exhaustion. I've been struggling with that lately so it was good to see that I really can make myself breathe hard without hurting my soul.

On the top of Mount Sanitas with a few friends last week (I'm in the visor).
The smile on my face is genuine, as is the boob sweat.

And since I can't give up biking entirely, I've begun mountain biking again. I've joined a few groups on Meetup since I don't have reliable buddies to hit the trails with and I don't feel comfortable being in the woods by myself with a bike I don't yet know how to fix. So far, I've done two rides in as many days and it's been incredible. The people are super supportive and fun! I've also been learning some real skills, which is good because so far I've just been holding on for dear life.

My Sunday mountain biking excursion.

A long ride (for me) Sunday and running + biking yesterday (an accidental two-a-day) have completely exhausted my legs, so I'm taking today off because I need to. Then back to the grind on Wednesday. And I really do mean "grind" because a group I ride with does hill repeats on Wednesdays. I may do just one repeat and head for a beer early because I'm still mad at my road bike.

I just wish riding would get easier. But unfortunately the following saying really does hold true: "It doesn't get any easier. You just go faster."

Wedding getaway

A week at home and a wedding weekend resulted in some awesome relaxation but possibly a little bit of weight gain. I just cannot resist the blue cheese that my mom keeps in the fridge!

But I had an awesome time and I'm totally okay with how I did food-wise that weekend. Here are some photos:

Wedding day SCUBA diving with the groom.

My bridesmaid walk.

The kiss.

I haven't been able to get an accurate weight since I've been back because I've been drinking beer frequently and alcohol just throws everything off. Although I should be abstaining more than I currently am, I've been limiting myself to two beers for every drinking occasion so I've still been hitting my calorie deficit goals each day.

Right now I'm going by the 3-days post drinking weigh-ins because somehow I can't seem to stay away from alcohol for more than that. My weight is slowly going down, just not as much as they should be, which makes me think that I really did gain a pound while away.

Oh well. It was really relaxing and that's exactly what I needed. And in the grand scheme of things, one pound is really not that bad.

Having trouble pushing myself to go faster

I've noticed that I don't push myself on the bike as much as I used to. By that I mean that I don't go balls-to-the-wall and exhaust myself anymore. I do come home tired and my legs do hurt at the end of a ride, but I'm rarely gasping for breath these days and that's something I need to change.

Mostly, I want to get severely winded at least once a week so I can improve my speed. Right now I think most of the speed increases are due to my weight-loss and not necessarily any aerobic fitness I may have gained. On the other hand, my calves and quads are starting to show some real definition so perhaps there is some progress there after-all. Regardless, I need to push myself more and I'm struggling with that.

Part of this may be due to the amount of exercise I've been getting lately. My quads get so tired from the long and fast rides that they crap out before my lungs have a chance to catch on fire. Or maybe I'm just less tolerant of exercise-induced muscle pain. Either one of those is a valid explanation for me not wanting to push myself as hard.

Moderation, the key to my success thus far

This post is a follow-up to the note at the end of my last post. It became too long so I'm graduating it to its own thingamabobber. Pardon the length. I got a bit carried away.

Having been on some sort of weight-loss journey for the past ten years or so, or at least having thought about losing weight and feeling bad about not succeeding for that long, I've often been asked what changed to make this time so successful. After-all, I've lost nearly 40 pounds in six months without hating my life (for the most part). Something must've happened.

But, I honestly can't think of one trigger that led to this. Like many times beforehand, I made an effort to lose weight in the hopes that it would actually work this time. I made myself count calories, which I've done every other time I "started losing weight". I promised myself I'd ride my bike a few times a week, which is my exercise du jour. And I committed to completing the Couch to 10k program, like I've done at the start of nearly every rugby season for the past four years. The only difference this time around was that a month after committing to lose weight yet again, I was still sticking with my plan and wanting to continue. That's pretty much the only thing that changed.

Even though in previous attempts, I would see the scale change favorably, I would often quit after about three weeks of the new plan. Apparently that's the time it takes to develop new habits and I just couldn't make it past that threshold. I enjoyed seeing the numbers drop but the process for making it happen was so frustrating and hard that it didn't seem worth it to continue. So I "took a break" which really meant I quit and by the time I recommitted to losing weight again, I had lost all the fitness I had previously gained and had to start over again.

After so many cycles of this, I decided to try something different, which isn't different in and of itself because I resolved to change something about my plan each time I restarted it. But realizing that I can't change everything all at once (or even more than one thing) otherwise I get stressed out/become overwhelmed, prompted me to re-evaluate my approach to losing weight and resolve to make no more than one sudden change in my life.

Instead, I incorporated one thing at a time and only when I was ready for it. For example, I began with counting my calories. That's it. There were no limits on what I could and couldn't eat. I just had to write it all down. That eventually led to eating less junk because I saw how many calories I was wasting on crap and still feeling hungry.

I didn't eliminate sweets entirely because I need sugar and other carbohydrates to function, but I definitely limited myself to a couple of chocolate squares instead of the entire chocolate bar, for example. I would only eat chips, etc, while I was still craving them so if mid-snack I wasn't getting the "high" that caused me to reach for them, I would stop eating. The same went for ice cream and snacky foods.

Most impressively, I significantly cut down on my beer drinking, but this is a very recent development. To give you a time frame, I started calorie counting in November; it is now nearly June. So it took me the better part of six months of this journey to get to the point where I can say "No" to beer. Like I said, I only do things I'm ready for.

Anywhos, I still drink beer and I still love it. But after I put an "Alcohol" category in my food tracker and realized how many potential pounds I was drinking away, I realized it just wasn't worth it, which led to cutting out the afternoon beer. I'm still pretty heavy so it takes a lot of beer to get me drunk, meaning that a beer with dinner doesn't do much for me besides put me 200 calories in the hole. So now I either have a beer-drinking night where I go all out and have as much as I want guilt-free, or I abstain entirely. There is no middle ground...yet at least. Hopefully some day I'll get to the point where I get tipsy off 1-2 beers and then this will all change, but for now this way is working.

The same thinking went into my approach to exercise. I half-heartedly began Couch to 10k when I re-began counting calories in November but I didn't stick with it long. And that was entirely fine. I ran when I felt like I needed to but it wasn't something I felt guilty about skipping. After-all, it wasn't the thing I was focused on changing at the time. It wasn't until mid-January (~2 months into this) that I made myself go running, rain or snow or shine.

I hated nearly every one of the initial runs because it was so hard to keep a 11:00 min/mile pace for 2 minutes straight. But no matter how much it sucked, I still did it because that was the new change I had decided on and I needed to stick with it. Early into this I made a deal with myself that I could bitch and moan all I wanted about running only if I actually went. The Roommie, who sometimes accompanied me on these runs, suggested I should try being positive because that might actually help with wanting to go, but the negativity was therapeutic. It was a way to let go of my frustrations not only with my lack of fitness but also with letting myself get to this level of obesity. That was my way of looking forward to the torture that is running.

All of that is a long-winded way of saying that I finally tried moderation and it worked. Once I broke down my bad behaviors into manageable steps, I was able to get used to them one at a time and actually make some progress. This is not to say it has all been easy because I've struggled a lot along the way, most notably getting super impatient recently with the rate of my loss. But I'm still losing and not relapsing, and that's all that matters to me right now.

This post is already way too long, but I need to give credit where credit is due. The following things have had the greatest impact on my success thus far. They created the perfect storm that allowed me to see results without wanting to quit due to feeling overwhelmed and deprived.

1. MyFitness Pal:
It is soooooooooooo much better than all the other food tracking programs that preceded it. Not only is their food database really big but the phone app allows you to scan the barcode of whatever you're eating into your food diary. I've calorie counted many times before but have always quit because I would get obsessed with entering all the nutritional info for every product I consumed that wasn't in the database. Now I just scan it with my phone and it pops right up.

Also, because it's the most popular calorie tracker on the web, there are random things like bulk cereals from my grocery store that I normally would've had to enter myself. I can also copy my meals from different days very easily and find recipes I've entered. MFP makes calorie counting so painless that it's actually not a chore anymore.

2. Refereeing rugby:
I don't think I would've committed to running nearly as much as I currently am if it wasn't for my sudden interest in reffing. I finally found the time to do this (I had just finished going back to school full-time with a part-time job on the side last year) and I was convinced that I wasn't getting assignments because of my lack of fitness. Also, it's fairly obvious if the ref isn't in the right spot during a game as compared to being one of 30 players on the pitch. I mean, I'm wearing bright yellow and I'm kind of in charge.

So I started Couch to 10k for the 7th or 8th time, and stuck with it even though I hit some very low points around Week 3 and 4. I have continued running solely because I don't want to go have to go through that mental torture again. I ended up stopping at Week 5 because in a game I don't run longer than that distance (~3-4 miles) and substituted hill runs instead. But when I'm away from my bike I do 3' jog/1' walk intervals as a way to keep up my endurance. So I still go back to it sometimes.

3. Invisalign:
Yes, dental care is on my "Acknowledgements" page. In addition to the bingo arms, the other thing that I truly hated about myself was my crooked teeth. I never had braces growing up so I figured it was okay to splurge on these in my late-20s. While I've only had them on since February and I was successful in losing weight before then (I started around Thanksgiving), Invisalign has definitely kept me from snacking on things as much as I normally would, and thus has been instrumental in my getting thinner.

Brushing and flossing my teeth after putting anything in my mouth is annoying so I tend to save my junky snacks for mealtimes, which makes me choose them wisely, savor them once I do eat them, and helps with developing self-control. I hope I can keep this up when the "jaws", as I affectionately call them, come off for good in October. That might be the biggest struggle.

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While I still have a long ways to go before I reach my goal weight (nearly 50 pounds, which is incredibly overwhelming for me), as long as I continue doing what I'm doing I should get there eventually. I may have to tweak some things--such as leading a less sedentary lifestyle--but overall I think I have developed pretty good habits that should get me through the rest of my weight-loss and hopefully lead to successful maintenance.

If this all stops working, though, I'll be sure to analyze it in great detail here, and I will surely kick myself in the butt for declaring a victory before I even made it halfway.

Taking a mini-break

These past couple of days I have not been feeling the exercise and weight-loss thing. In fact, I'm kind of exhausted by it. So I've taken a break.

I've only worked out once this week (Wednesday) after the 40+ mile ride on Saturday, and I have no intention of doing anything until tomorrow, and that's only because I have to referee* this weekend, which involves lots of running.

I also have been craving stuff I don't normally eat anymore, like Mamba candy, delicious bread, and tater tots. So I allowed myself to sneak some into my diet this week, and it was delicious. I didn't need to stuff myself with any of those things (I ate 1/3 of the Mambas, 1/2 of the bagel, and didn't finish the tater tots because they had freezer burn) but I definitely satisfied the cravings...while still being under or just slightly over my calorie goal.

So although I haven't had the calorie deficits this week that I strive to achieve, I've held myself to a decent amount of calories while still eating what I crave. And that's a win in my book.

It's this balance that I try to accomplish every day, one between being satisfied, not feeling deprived, and having calorie deficits. Some days I fail, which is why I'm only losing 1.5 pounds per week when most days I'm on track to lose 2+ pounds. And other days I just can't do it anymore and need a break.

These breaks have led to utter failure in the past when I've given up entirely on weight-loss because I was frustrated with the process. Usually this occurred at the 3-week mark, so I'm kind of impressed that it's taken this long (6 months) to get to that point. But I've lost so much and worked so hard that I can't give up entirely on this process. I can take mini-breaks to regain my sanity, but I can't just quit altogether.

Luckily, I have a week-long vacation coming up beginning on Tuesday and I'm going to stick by my vacation rules from last time, since they seemed to work so well:

1. avoid tracking calories because it will drive me crazy, and
2. not gain any weight.

This gives me a break from obsessing about precisely how many fries I had with dinner or exactly how many Wheat Thins I snacked on in the afternoon. But it's still not the ideal situation.

Ideally, I'd like to see the day when I can eat whatever I want without consequences or feeling guilty, but I'm not sure that's going to happen anytime soon, or ever for that matter. I think I will always feel guilty about binging on fried mac and cheese bites or going on a three-day bender. But maybe someday when I've reached my goal weight I'll be able to do all that and then spend the rest of the week burning it off instead of depriving myself and stressing about numbers, as is the case right now.

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*Every time I think about refereeing, I get really angry. I'm going to be doing the out-of-bounds part of reffing, which any joe schmo can do, so getting this assignment means nothing besides the fact that I was available. 

I'm incredibly frustrated that I haven't gotten much experience this season even though I was available to referee nearly every time there was a game. Guys that took the class when I did are at a much higher level than I am simply because they've done three times as many games as I have. And all of that is because I'm female.

And now I have to hang out with them all weekend and be resentful, even though they didn't do anything wrong. They just remind me of the unfairness of everything.

One of the guys that's in charge of identifying up-and-coming-referees was very impressed by my reffing at a tournament and said he'd put in a good word for me with the scheduler, who's a misogynistic asshole. But that's for women's college games, which had ended by that point, and I'm sure he'll forget about that comment by the fall when the season starts up again.

I will be sure to remind him, though, because I deserve to get those games. If I don't, I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck with all the bullshit high school girls' matches, also simply because I'm a girl. Hopefully they'll give me some higher-level women's matches as well, but there's not banking on that.

Wow, this is a lot longer than I intended it, mostly because I'm pretty pissed off about the situation. It doesn't help that the only advice the other woman in the referee society has given me is to be patient because there's nothing else I can do about it. Unfortunately, patience is not a virtue I possess. So instead, I stress about it.

These bingo wings have got to go

For as long as I can remember I've been embarrassed by my upper arms. For example, when I was at summer camp in high school, I was convinced the people laughing during pickup volleyball games were making fun of my flabby arms. Most likely they were just joking about our incompetence at volleyball, but I was convinced they were laughing at me.

As you can tell, this part of my body has haunted me for years and even though I'm starting to look better in clothes as a result of my weight-loss, my arms are still a point of major self-consciousness.

Exhibit A.

As a result, I've become determined to get rid of said bingo wings, or at least minimize them as much as my genetics allow. It's my next project on the list of ways to improve my lifestyle and body*.

Speaking of this list, so far I've accomplished the following:

• Minimized mindless snacking.
  Now, I savor the junk food that goes into my body instead of stuffing it down my throat as fast as it'll go. I still get "the fix" but with fewer calories.
• Made exercise a near-daily necessity.
  I used to have to force myself to exercise once a week. These days the normal is to go out for a ride or a run and the abnormal is to sit and do nothing. Getting into better shape definitely helps with that. It's not nearly as painful (mentally) as it used to be. The act of working out still hurts but it's a good kind of hurt. As they say, "It doesn't get any easier; you just go faster."
• Became used to eating smaller portions.
  By now, I can't eat nearly as much as I used to be able to. I get full faster and am satisfied for longer. It's pretty awesome.
• Started eating leftovers...and liking it.
  This makes it easier to eat out less because that delicious food I cooked the night before is still waiting for me in the fridge. I still get grossed out by certain things and won't eat anything that's sat for more than a couple of days, so there is more progress to be made. But I'm getting there.

So next is the Bingo Wings Project. I'll elaborate more on the plan of attack when I get one and/or stick with it for more than a week. This should be fun.

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*With the most recent attempt at losing weight (i.e. this one) I've gone with the method of moderation. There have been no sudden changes in my life, but instead I've incorporated one thing at a time and only when I'm ready for it. That's where the list comes into play. Now that I've fixed the major things that make the greatest difference in weight-loss (diet and exercise), I'm ready to start tweaking the little things like my arms.

Beans, beans the magical fruit

I've become obsessed with beans recently. Like, I'll cook up and eat a pound of beans each week. Mostly, it's a result of this fantastic recipe from the New York Times that combines black beans with corn tortillas. I ate this meal every day for a good 2 - 3 weeks straight, always craving more. No joke.

I think part of this of the reason for this obsession was because the black bean puree looked like chocolate, and I love chocolate, but also because it reminded me of all the corn tortillas I ate on my vacation to Mexico. Mmm...delicious food associations...

Anywhos, since my enfrijoladas binge, I've branched out to other types of beans. It helps that I've found a way to make delicious beans from scratch in about an hour and a half. Here's how (copied verbatim from The Paupered Chef):

Ingredients:

• 1 pound beans
• 1/2 tablespoons salt

1. Preheat the oven to 250 F. 
2. Dump the beans into a large dutch oven or pot with tight fitting lid.  Pick out any broken pieces. Add the salt.  Top with enough water to cover the beans by an inch and a half.  Bring pot to a boil.
3. Cover the pot, and set in the oven.  Cook for 75 minutes. 
4. About 45 minutes in, check on the beans.  If they look too dry add some boiling water to the pot.
5. After 75 minutes they should be done.

After a weekend full of booze, crappy cupcakes, and fried food, I'm really craving a salad and/or something unprocessed and mostly uncooked. That's where the beans come into play. With knowing how to make good beans quickly, I've been adding them to everything and they're a perfect filling ingredient in a salad.

(On a side note, it's weird to see how quickly my body has gotten used to "good" food and somewhat requires it when I haven't eaten well for a few days.)

So yesterday I made a white bean and chicken salad and today's dinner is a Greek-style salad with spaghetti squash. I used to object to eating spaghetti squash on principle (see one of the last paragraphs in this post) because I saw it as diet food. But The Roommie made a very delicious and simple spaghetti squash salad last week and I really liked the texture of it so I'm giving it another shot tonight.

Mixing things up

Most of my exercise has been biking a few times a week with at least one day of hill running. The other day, I had no desire to do either of those things but I really needed (yes, needed) to do something physical.

There are plenty of hiking trails around here, but I abhor hiking...even more so than running, and you know how much I dislike running. But there's a trail just down the street from my house that's straight uphill and is pretty much a mile-long stair workout that just so happens to be in the woods.

A section of the very beginning of the trail.

So the Roommie and I headed out to do that one Friday afternoon and it was glorious. It was a perfect evening to be out there and it kicked my butt. Perfect temperature, beautiful views, and good mindset on my end. I'm really glad we went!

On a side note, although I was more exhausted going uphill than coming down (duh!) and felt like I got more out of the trip fitness-wise going up, I burned more calories on the downhill part*. In hindsight it makes sense because I was going much faster going down and the uphill part was more of a weight-lifting workout almost. And you don't really burn that many calories lifting weights.

Overall, it was interesting to see that I don't need to be suffering from exertion to get my calorie targets for the day. A simple, albeit long, "hike" was enough to get me there.

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*I have a calorie-counter (BodyMedia Fit) that I've been wearing for the past month. I'll write up a post about it sometime in the near future. The major problem I find with it is that it's not very accurate for cycling, which is my main source of calorie burning these days. But other than that, it's pretty awesome. I highly recommend it!

Crash and burn, and beer

Remember that ride I was going to do yesterday? The 42-miler, 10 of which was straight uphill? Well, I didn't just ride it. I led the 16+ mph group as well!

For the most part, it was fun. On the flats and downhills, we were cruising at 18+ mph. It was awesome! But the long slog uphill royally sucked. It sucked so much that I had to stop multiple times just to talk myself into continuing on. Had I not been with a group, I would've turned around during those stops no question. But I kind of had to meet them at the top so I kept going.

The road wasn't even all that steep. It only had a 3.3% grade, which is significantly more mellow overall than the mountain I did a couple of weeks ago. I actually enjoyed that mountain and the other hills I've been going up lately. But this uphill just wasn't for me.

I think it's because there was absolutely no change in scenery the entire way. We were on this winding canyon road that followed a creek so no matter how far you'd gone, everything looked the same. There was no visual reward for suffering for so long and the pine trees and rocks got boring very quickly.

Every switchback looked exactly like this.

As did every straight-away. Notice the lack of views.

At least climbing mountains leads to better views the higher you go.

Anywhos, the climb itself wasn't bad because there were many places where the road evened out and I was able to get some speed and relief from my burning quads. I was still getting passed by everyone, though. Except on the downhill, of course.

Lastly, I think the main reason for my grumpiness was lack of food. I had eaten a fairly light breakfast that didn't adequately prepare me for this distance and vertical gain. So on the ride uphill, I ate nearly every energy bar I had brought with me...some 500 calories. I was still hungry after all that but at least I wasn't hating my life anymore, and eventually I made it to the top, where I continued to eat my last bar.

Our group that made it to the top.
I'm in the bright green in the front, finishing up my last bar to give me the energy to get home.

After I got home, I lied down on the couch to muster some energy to shower. I didn't get up for about an hour and a half. I was that tired.

Eventually the shower happened and I headed downtown to a music/arts/food festival my town holds every Memorial Day, at which the rugby team serves beer at the beer tent. And that means we get as much free beer and food as we want. Dangerous!

So I indulged in 6 pints of deliciousness and 2 servings of soba noodles over the course of the day and still managed to have a calorie deficit for the day. I didn't really need that last soba bowl, but they are so delicious and can only be found at these kinds of festivals so I just HAD to do it. Had I abstained, I would've hit my calorie deficit goal (I'm at -300 right now, and shoot for -750 every day). But it's soooo delicious that it's incredibly difficult to pass up.

Although I gave myself a free weekend to eat and drink whatever I wanted, after seeing that I'd consumed over 3000 calories in one afternoon, I think I may have to hold back a bit. Like, no beer today or something. After-all I drank 1400 calories in alcohol yesterday. That's how much I usually eat in one day! Yikes.

Going big this weekend

I bike with a women's group sometimes and every weekend they offer 3 rides of varying lengths: short, medium, and long. The distance for each length varies each week and progressively increases in each category as the season goes on.

When I'm not busy with rugby, I sign up to lead a ride usually of medium length because that's about the distance I'm at on my weekday rides. I don't like going too long before I'm ready because then I just hate my life and stay away from the bike altogether for long periods of time, as was the case with an Olympic distance triathlon I did a few years ago.

Anywhos, this weekend the medium ride is going somewhere I've been way too many times in the past couple of weeks and I'm kind of sick of that route. The long ride, on the other hand, is going 43 miles (I haven't ridden that far in over a year) AND uphill.

By "uphill" I don't mean any ol' hill, but rather the ride that I've been afraid to do since I first began biking around here three years ago. I'll go up a mountain, but for some reason I'm too afraid to ride to Jamestown.

At the same time, my jaunt up Lookout Mountain a couple of weeks ago has given me some courage with regards to road bike climbing so I'm pretty confident I will be able to make it up there with minimal psyche scarring. After all, the average grade is only 3.2% for those 6.5 miles. It's not too bad.

Sometimes, though, I get embarrassed by my big butt trying to make it up these hills, and I imagine other cyclists thinking that I don't belong there and that it's no wonder that I'm going so slowly. In those cases I have to remind myself that during such a long and brutal climb, everyone is simply focusing on their own suffering and no one pays attention to anything besides the burning of their lungs and legs.

That self-centered thinking makes it all better. It's also the only instance where I applaud egotism, mostly because it helps me. Also, I'm going with a bunch of women who are all very supportive, which helps matters as well.

So on Saturday, I ride this:

I'm choosing to ignore the 6 miles of uphill leading up to the real climb. Those are just pesky details that should be disregarded for the sake of my sanity.

Also, I will be going with the "fast" group (16+ mph) because although I will slow down significantly on the uphill (like 6.5 mph slow), I'm pretty sure I can keep a 16 mph pace during the flats on the way out there, and everything after the climb is downhill for 17 miles all the way home...my specialty!

Sometimes gravity really does work to my advantage.