I'm back, and proud!

I've taken a bunch of time off from the blog and from the process of weight-loss. I've continued to count my calories and make sure I exercise a decent amount of time each week, but I haven't made a real effort in either department.

For example, I've drank too much beer, eaten too much pizza, and spent way too many nights on the couch instead of moving around outside. Part of me is disappointed with this lifestyle, but another part of me is relieved because I needed that time to rest. At this point, I don't think I've lost any weight since late July or so, but I also haven't gained any, which is a different kind of success.

This weekend, a rugby referee asked me how much weight I've lost since I last saw him in early July. I lied and said 15 pounds, because that's how much I should've lost during that time. His reply? "Well, it definitely looks it." So apparently I look better. Another ref said I was hot. That one took me by surprise because no one has said that to me. Ever. When I told him that, he was surprised as well. Lastly, my former rugby teammates kept complementing me over the weekend saying I looked really good and very skinny.

All of this is to say that although I don't think I've lost any weight lately, I've come a long way since last Thanksgiving. Instead of dwelling on the summer of half-assed weight-loss, I should be very proud of the journey and the results of my efforts.

While this weight has led to positive comments and a lot of confidence on my end, I'm not done yet! I still have some ways to go, and I've already begun making that happen.

A bump in the road

Although I strive to lose 1.5 pounds per week on average, it doesn't always work out. In the last month, for example, I've lost absolutely no weight at all.

The last two weeks were spent on vacation and during that time I exercised very little and ate a lot. So I probably gained some weight. This is most likely because I spent nearly a week at a summer camp I used to work at and the meals and meal portions are very unpredictable there. So when they serve you something appetizing and you have the option to eat a larger portion, you go for it because you don't know when the next normal meal will be.

In the long run (over the course of an entire summer), this way of thinking works out because most meals are inadequate with regards to portion size. And by that I mean, we often get 1/2 of a scoop of mashed potatoes and half of a chicken breast, which is just not enough to hold me over for the day. But for some reason, I was able to get normal-sized portions during my time there and so I overate every single meal.

Prior to leaving on this vacation, I had been slacking with both exercise and food, and consequently I wasn't really losing any weight. I'm totally okay with this because I had been feeling burned out about the weight-loss plan for a while and needed a break from pushing myself. I also don't have a deadline by which I must lose all my weight, so pushing back the goal weight date isn't a big deal to me at all. It'll happen when it happens.

Since I got back on Monday, though, I've been more motivated to start losing weight again, which requires regular exercise and more strict food control than I've been doing lately. Mostly, I don't want to lose the muscle definition I've worked so hard to gain in the last few months, so I've got to get moving again.

I only have 35 more pounds to go! I have to keep repeating that with the exclamation point of excitement because that number seems so overwhelming and difficult. Even though I'm more than halfway there, 35 pounds is still a lot and the first 50 pounds were incredibly frustrating and difficult. So having to do more of that is scary.

Clearly I've found a method of weight-loss that works for me. I just have to stick with it and the weight will (hopefully) just fall off.

Back in the saddle

I took the last month or so "off" from losing weight in that I only exercised when I felt like it instead of feeling the need to get 5-6 days of exercise each week. I still averaged about 4 days of working out during that time so it's not too bad. I was just sick of everything and didn't feel like pushing myself too hard.

During that time, I got pretty burned out about road biking and since that's been my most frequent form of exercise, it was clear I needed to continue with it otherwise I would stop losing weight. But I didn't want to ride anymore! A conundrum, I tell you.

So I took a couple of weeks off from the bike. And when I finally went back to it, I loved every minute in the saddle. I eventually realized that all the rides I had been doing were either balls-to-the-wall or insanely uphill. There were no "fun" rides where I could simply enjoy being on the road on my bike. Riding became a burden.

My first ride back was along the flats near my house at whatever pace I wanted at the time and it was awesome. I eventually returned to riding hills on Wednesdays with a group I'd been riding all summer. And even though we rode straight uphill for 6 miles, I had a blast, as evidenced by my genuine smile in the picture below.

I'm in the middle in the green.

During my break from riding, I did a bit of running to keep somewhat in shape. I went for a run with The Roommie and we averaged a 9:30 minute/mile pace for 3 minute run/1 minute walk intervals.* I didn't ever dread having to run once the walking part ended, which is a HUGE improvement in my run endurance and state of mind. I think I may actually enjoy running now. Eww.

I was also having some knee issues after an unfortunate game of kickball which resulted in cutting back on my exercise. Everything turned out to be fine and my doctor said I can exercise through the pain without messing my knee up any further so I'm back to full force.

In between the MRI scans and doctor's visits, when the prognosis for my knee wasn't clear, I stressed. I was worried that I'd have to either suffer through a season of rugby on a bum knee and thus postpone the hypothetical surgery until November, or I'd have to sit out the season altogether and have the surgery now. Since I've recently begun getting respect from the refs, I didn't want to disappear for three months and lose all that so I was stressing out a lot. I also couldn't really turn down a trip they had offered me to Minnesota since I don't know when that'll come up again. But all is well now.

As they say, "Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, then it's not the end."

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*I still don't like running for long periods of time, so when I do go for "long" runs I turn them into intervals. Instead of running straight for 3 miles, I run 3 minutes and walk 1 minute. This way, I have something to look forward to during the three minutes of torture.

Losing weight in the face

People have been commenting a lot on my weight-loss lately. While I really appreciate them noticing and congratulating me on my hard work, I get super uncomfortable with all the attention. All my life I've just wanted to be normal and blend in with everyone else, so this extra attention is not helping with that.

The comments have all been very nice, though, and I really appreciate my friends saying such great things to me. Also, most people have said that they notice my weight-loss most in my face, which is weird because I didn't think I had that much to lose there. But when I look at pictures more closely, I see the difference.

For example, I do look big in the photo on the left. You don't need to see the rest of me to know that I'm way overweight. But my face looks a lot thinner in the photo on the right (I'm in the red). So I guess my friends have a point about my face getting skinnier.

213 pounds

183 pounds

In the end, I have to keep telling myself that compliments are awesome to receive and that I should relish this time when everyone's noticing my hard work. So I smile every time someone says something nice and thank them for being so kind.

Mad at my road bike

I've been doing a lot of miles on my road bike lately and it's gotten to the point where I'm just sick of it. I think it's because all of my rides have been hard, either physically or mentally. I either go really far, which pushes my endurance, or pressure myself to go fast, which hurts my legs and lungs. For some reason I can't just go on a pleasant road ride and enjoy the scenery.

The last straw was discovering that I'd gotten a slow-leaking flat and having to change the tire yet again. I took off the wheel one day, changed the flat another, and had my roommate pump it up the third day (I got really mad at the pump and almost threw it out). My bike is still sitting upside down in the hallway with its wheel leaning against it. So it's taken the better part of five days to fix a flat. I have no desire to even touch the damn thing.

But since I can't sit on my butt and expect to lose weight, I've found other activities I enjoy. For example, I think I'm starting to like hiking. That's really weird because I used to adamantly refuse to go with my friends. Lately, though, it's been really fun. The weather has been unbearably hot (I work from home and don't have A/C), so it's nice to get out in the hills to cool off a little bit.

One of the trails up the street from my house is a ridiculously hard climb that's more of a workout than a hike. I've been doing that at least once a week and the last time I really pushed myself to the point of exhaustion. I've been struggling with that lately so it was good to see that I really can make myself breathe hard without hurting my soul.

On the top of Mount Sanitas with a few friends last week (I'm in the visor).
The smile on my face is genuine, as is the boob sweat.

And since I can't give up biking entirely, I've begun mountain biking again. I've joined a few groups on Meetup since I don't have reliable buddies to hit the trails with and I don't feel comfortable being in the woods by myself with a bike I don't yet know how to fix. So far, I've done two rides in as many days and it's been incredible. The people are super supportive and fun! I've also been learning some real skills, which is good because so far I've just been holding on for dear life.

My Sunday mountain biking excursion.

A long ride (for me) Sunday and running + biking yesterday (an accidental two-a-day) have completely exhausted my legs, so I'm taking today off because I need to. Then back to the grind on Wednesday. And I really do mean "grind" because a group I ride with does hill repeats on Wednesdays. I may do just one repeat and head for a beer early because I'm still mad at my road bike.

I just wish riding would get easier. But unfortunately the following saying really does hold true: "It doesn't get any easier. You just go faster."

Wedding getaway

A week at home and a wedding weekend resulted in some awesome relaxation but possibly a little bit of weight gain. I just cannot resist the blue cheese that my mom keeps in the fridge!

But I had an awesome time and I'm totally okay with how I did food-wise that weekend. Here are some photos:

Wedding day SCUBA diving with the groom.

My bridesmaid walk.

The kiss.

I haven't been able to get an accurate weight since I've been back because I've been drinking beer frequently and alcohol just throws everything off. Although I should be abstaining more than I currently am, I've been limiting myself to two beers for every drinking occasion so I've still been hitting my calorie deficit goals each day.

Right now I'm going by the 3-days post drinking weigh-ins because somehow I can't seem to stay away from alcohol for more than that. My weight is slowly going down, just not as much as they should be, which makes me think that I really did gain a pound while away.

Oh well. It was really relaxing and that's exactly what I needed. And in the grand scheme of things, one pound is really not that bad.

Having trouble pushing myself to go faster

I've noticed that I don't push myself on the bike as much as I used to. By that I mean that I don't go balls-to-the-wall and exhaust myself anymore. I do come home tired and my legs do hurt at the end of a ride, but I'm rarely gasping for breath these days and that's something I need to change.

Mostly, I want to get severely winded at least once a week so I can improve my speed. Right now I think most of the speed increases are due to my weight-loss and not necessarily any aerobic fitness I may have gained. On the other hand, my calves and quads are starting to show some real definition so perhaps there is some progress there after-all. Regardless, I need to push myself more and I'm struggling with that.

Part of this may be due to the amount of exercise I've been getting lately. My quads get so tired from the long and fast rides that they crap out before my lungs have a chance to catch on fire. Or maybe I'm just less tolerant of exercise-induced muscle pain. Either one of those is a valid explanation for me not wanting to push myself as hard.

Moderation, the key to my success thus far

This post is a follow-up to the note at the end of my last post. It became too long so I'm graduating it to its own thingamabobber. Pardon the length. I got a bit carried away.

Having been on some sort of weight-loss journey for the past ten years or so, or at least having thought about losing weight and feeling bad about not succeeding for that long, I've often been asked what changed to make this time so successful. After-all, I've lost nearly 40 pounds in six months without hating my life (for the most part). Something must've happened.

But, I honestly can't think of one trigger that led to this. Like many times beforehand, I made an effort to lose weight in the hopes that it would actually work this time. I made myself count calories, which I've done every other time I "started losing weight". I promised myself I'd ride my bike a few times a week, which is my exercise du jour. And I committed to completing the Couch to 10k program, like I've done at the start of nearly every rugby season for the past four years. The only difference this time around was that a month after committing to lose weight yet again, I was still sticking with my plan and wanting to continue. That's pretty much the only thing that changed.

Even though in previous attempts, I would see the scale change favorably, I would often quit after about three weeks of the new plan. Apparently that's the time it takes to develop new habits and I just couldn't make it past that threshold. I enjoyed seeing the numbers drop but the process for making it happen was so frustrating and hard that it didn't seem worth it to continue. So I "took a break" which really meant I quit and by the time I recommitted to losing weight again, I had lost all the fitness I had previously gained and had to start over again.

After so many cycles of this, I decided to try something different, which isn't different in and of itself because I resolved to change something about my plan each time I restarted it. But realizing that I can't change everything all at once (or even more than one thing) otherwise I get stressed out/become overwhelmed, prompted me to re-evaluate my approach to losing weight and resolve to make no more than one sudden change in my life.

Instead, I incorporated one thing at a time and only when I was ready for it. For example, I began with counting my calories. That's it. There were no limits on what I could and couldn't eat. I just had to write it all down. That eventually led to eating less junk because I saw how many calories I was wasting on crap and still feeling hungry.

I didn't eliminate sweets entirely because I need sugar and other carbohydrates to function, but I definitely limited myself to a couple of chocolate squares instead of the entire chocolate bar, for example. I would only eat chips, etc, while I was still craving them so if mid-snack I wasn't getting the "high" that caused me to reach for them, I would stop eating. The same went for ice cream and snacky foods.

Most impressively, I significantly cut down on my beer drinking, but this is a very recent development. To give you a time frame, I started calorie counting in November; it is now nearly June. So it took me the better part of six months of this journey to get to the point where I can say "No" to beer. Like I said, I only do things I'm ready for.

Anywhos, I still drink beer and I still love it. But after I put an "Alcohol" category in my food tracker and realized how many potential pounds I was drinking away, I realized it just wasn't worth it, which led to cutting out the afternoon beer. I'm still pretty heavy so it takes a lot of beer to get me drunk, meaning that a beer with dinner doesn't do much for me besides put me 200 calories in the hole. So now I either have a beer-drinking night where I go all out and have as much as I want guilt-free, or I abstain entirely. There is no middle ground...yet at least. Hopefully some day I'll get to the point where I get tipsy off 1-2 beers and then this will all change, but for now this way is working.

The same thinking went into my approach to exercise. I half-heartedly began Couch to 10k when I re-began counting calories in November but I didn't stick with it long. And that was entirely fine. I ran when I felt like I needed to but it wasn't something I felt guilty about skipping. After-all, it wasn't the thing I was focused on changing at the time. It wasn't until mid-January (~2 months into this) that I made myself go running, rain or snow or shine.

I hated nearly every one of the initial runs because it was so hard to keep a 11:00 min/mile pace for 2 minutes straight. But no matter how much it sucked, I still did it because that was the new change I had decided on and I needed to stick with it. Early into this I made a deal with myself that I could bitch and moan all I wanted about running only if I actually went. The Roommie, who sometimes accompanied me on these runs, suggested I should try being positive because that might actually help with wanting to go, but the negativity was therapeutic. It was a way to let go of my frustrations not only with my lack of fitness but also with letting myself get to this level of obesity. That was my way of looking forward to the torture that is running.

All of that is a long-winded way of saying that I finally tried moderation and it worked. Once I broke down my bad behaviors into manageable steps, I was able to get used to them one at a time and actually make some progress. This is not to say it has all been easy because I've struggled a lot along the way, most notably getting super impatient recently with the rate of my loss. But I'm still losing and not relapsing, and that's all that matters to me right now.

This post is already way too long, but I need to give credit where credit is due. The following things have had the greatest impact on my success thus far. They created the perfect storm that allowed me to see results without wanting to quit due to feeling overwhelmed and deprived.

1. MyFitness Pal:
It is soooooooooooo much better than all the other food tracking programs that preceded it. Not only is their food database really big but the phone app allows you to scan the barcode of whatever you're eating into your food diary. I've calorie counted many times before but have always quit because I would get obsessed with entering all the nutritional info for every product I consumed that wasn't in the database. Now I just scan it with my phone and it pops right up.

Also, because it's the most popular calorie tracker on the web, there are random things like bulk cereals from my grocery store that I normally would've had to enter myself. I can also copy my meals from different days very easily and find recipes I've entered. MFP makes calorie counting so painless that it's actually not a chore anymore.

2. Refereeing rugby:
I don't think I would've committed to running nearly as much as I currently am if it wasn't for my sudden interest in reffing. I finally found the time to do this (I had just finished going back to school full-time with a part-time job on the side last year) and I was convinced that I wasn't getting assignments because of my lack of fitness. Also, it's fairly obvious if the ref isn't in the right spot during a game as compared to being one of 30 players on the pitch. I mean, I'm wearing bright yellow and I'm kind of in charge.

So I started Couch to 10k for the 7th or 8th time, and stuck with it even though I hit some very low points around Week 3 and 4. I have continued running solely because I don't want to go have to go through that mental torture again. I ended up stopping at Week 5 because in a game I don't run longer than that distance (~3-4 miles) and substituted hill runs instead. But when I'm away from my bike I do 3' jog/1' walk intervals as a way to keep up my endurance. So I still go back to it sometimes.

3. Invisalign:
Yes, dental care is on my "Acknowledgements" page. In addition to the bingo arms, the other thing that I truly hated about myself was my crooked teeth. I never had braces growing up so I figured it was okay to splurge on these in my late-20s. While I've only had them on since February and I was successful in losing weight before then (I started around Thanksgiving), Invisalign has definitely kept me from snacking on things as much as I normally would, and thus has been instrumental in my getting thinner.

Brushing and flossing my teeth after putting anything in my mouth is annoying so I tend to save my junky snacks for mealtimes, which makes me choose them wisely, savor them once I do eat them, and helps with developing self-control. I hope I can keep this up when the "jaws", as I affectionately call them, come off for good in October. That might be the biggest struggle.

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While I still have a long ways to go before I reach my goal weight (nearly 50 pounds, which is incredibly overwhelming for me), as long as I continue doing what I'm doing I should get there eventually. I may have to tweak some things--such as leading a less sedentary lifestyle--but overall I think I have developed pretty good habits that should get me through the rest of my weight-loss and hopefully lead to successful maintenance.

If this all stops working, though, I'll be sure to analyze it in great detail here, and I will surely kick myself in the butt for declaring a victory before I even made it halfway.

Taking a mini-break

These past couple of days I have not been feeling the exercise and weight-loss thing. In fact, I'm kind of exhausted by it. So I've taken a break.

I've only worked out once this week (Wednesday) after the 40+ mile ride on Saturday, and I have no intention of doing anything until tomorrow, and that's only because I have to referee* this weekend, which involves lots of running.

I also have been craving stuff I don't normally eat anymore, like Mamba candy, delicious bread, and tater tots. So I allowed myself to sneak some into my diet this week, and it was delicious. I didn't need to stuff myself with any of those things (I ate 1/3 of the Mambas, 1/2 of the bagel, and didn't finish the tater tots because they had freezer burn) but I definitely satisfied the cravings...while still being under or just slightly over my calorie goal.

So although I haven't had the calorie deficits this week that I strive to achieve, I've held myself to a decent amount of calories while still eating what I crave. And that's a win in my book.

It's this balance that I try to accomplish every day, one between being satisfied, not feeling deprived, and having calorie deficits. Some days I fail, which is why I'm only losing 1.5 pounds per week when most days I'm on track to lose 2+ pounds. And other days I just can't do it anymore and need a break.

These breaks have led to utter failure in the past when I've given up entirely on weight-loss because I was frustrated with the process. Usually this occurred at the 3-week mark, so I'm kind of impressed that it's taken this long (6 months) to get to that point. But I've lost so much and worked so hard that I can't give up entirely on this process. I can take mini-breaks to regain my sanity, but I can't just quit altogether.

Luckily, I have a week-long vacation coming up beginning on Tuesday and I'm going to stick by my vacation rules from last time, since they seemed to work so well:

1. avoid tracking calories because it will drive me crazy, and
2. not gain any weight.

This gives me a break from obsessing about precisely how many fries I had with dinner or exactly how many Wheat Thins I snacked on in the afternoon. But it's still not the ideal situation.

Ideally, I'd like to see the day when I can eat whatever I want without consequences or feeling guilty, but I'm not sure that's going to happen anytime soon, or ever for that matter. I think I will always feel guilty about binging on fried mac and cheese bites or going on a three-day bender. But maybe someday when I've reached my goal weight I'll be able to do all that and then spend the rest of the week burning it off instead of depriving myself and stressing about numbers, as is the case right now.

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*Every time I think about refereeing, I get really angry. I'm going to be doing the out-of-bounds part of reffing, which any joe schmo can do, so getting this assignment means nothing besides the fact that I was available. 

I'm incredibly frustrated that I haven't gotten much experience this season even though I was available to referee nearly every time there was a game. Guys that took the class when I did are at a much higher level than I am simply because they've done three times as many games as I have. And all of that is because I'm female.

And now I have to hang out with them all weekend and be resentful, even though they didn't do anything wrong. They just remind me of the unfairness of everything.

One of the guys that's in charge of identifying up-and-coming-referees was very impressed by my reffing at a tournament and said he'd put in a good word for me with the scheduler, who's a misogynistic asshole. But that's for women's college games, which had ended by that point, and I'm sure he'll forget about that comment by the fall when the season starts up again.

I will be sure to remind him, though, because I deserve to get those games. If I don't, I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck with all the bullshit high school girls' matches, also simply because I'm a girl. Hopefully they'll give me some higher-level women's matches as well, but there's not banking on that.

Wow, this is a lot longer than I intended it, mostly because I'm pretty pissed off about the situation. It doesn't help that the only advice the other woman in the referee society has given me is to be patient because there's nothing else I can do about it. Unfortunately, patience is not a virtue I possess. So instead, I stress about it.

These bingo wings have got to go

For as long as I can remember I've been embarrassed by my upper arms. For example, when I was at summer camp in high school, I was convinced the people laughing during pickup volleyball games were making fun of my flabby arms. Most likely they were just joking about our incompetence at volleyball, but I was convinced they were laughing at me.

As you can tell, this part of my body has haunted me for years and even though I'm starting to look better in clothes as a result of my weight-loss, my arms are still a point of major self-consciousness.

Exhibit A.

As a result, I've become determined to get rid of said bingo wings, or at least minimize them as much as my genetics allow. It's my next project on the list of ways to improve my lifestyle and body*.

Speaking of this list, so far I've accomplished the following:

• Minimized mindless snacking.
  Now, I savor the junk food that goes into my body instead of stuffing it down my throat as fast as it'll go. I still get "the fix" but with fewer calories.
• Made exercise a near-daily necessity.
  I used to have to force myself to exercise once a week. These days the normal is to go out for a ride or a run and the abnormal is to sit and do nothing. Getting into better shape definitely helps with that. It's not nearly as painful (mentally) as it used to be. The act of working out still hurts but it's a good kind of hurt. As they say, "It doesn't get any easier; you just go faster."
• Became used to eating smaller portions.
  By now, I can't eat nearly as much as I used to be able to. I get full faster and am satisfied for longer. It's pretty awesome.
• Started eating leftovers...and liking it.
  This makes it easier to eat out less because that delicious food I cooked the night before is still waiting for me in the fridge. I still get grossed out by certain things and won't eat anything that's sat for more than a couple of days, so there is more progress to be made. But I'm getting there.

So next is the Bingo Wings Project. I'll elaborate more on the plan of attack when I get one and/or stick with it for more than a week. This should be fun.

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*With the most recent attempt at losing weight (i.e. this one) I've gone with the method of moderation. There have been no sudden changes in my life, but instead I've incorporated one thing at a time and only when I'm ready for it. That's where the list comes into play. Now that I've fixed the major things that make the greatest difference in weight-loss (diet and exercise), I'm ready to start tweaking the little things like my arms.